ASPERITIES (or Bartlett’s Corrected) by Richard O’Connell

The world will perish of a surfeit of entertainment.

The worst kind of pedantry is quoting yourself.

The computer is as dumb as its programmer.

I believe in hate at first slight.

Absinthe makes the heart grow colder.

For Nietzsche the creation of Woman was carrying a rib too far.

He left no stone unthrown.

Power adores a vacuum.

I was admitted to the bar when I turned eighteen.

The majority lead lives of noisy desperation.

No bad novel goes unpublished.

In my experience the rain in England is the coldest and wettest.

When the Lion lies down with the Lamb it’s usually for lunch.

All credit card mistakes are made in favor of the bank.

In the Big Bang we all got banged.

Cell phones are a pain in the ear.

Marijuana is the opium of the people.

The funniest thing in Finnegan’s Wake is the long list of errata.

Work is the invention of layabouts.

He couldn’t remember why he took the viagra. .

Old age is a train wreck in slow motion.

The Irish never have a good word to say about each other. That’s what makes them so lovable.

Nothing dresses up a man like a beautiful woman.

When an American tries to be a roue he ends by merely being rude.

War: conspicuous destruction.

No one has ever won a war in Afghanistan.

A woman will do anything to avoid cooking.

New Jersey: where the Mafia bury their dead and living.

A scientist is a person who knows precisely what he/she doesn’t know.

All information will be used against you.

All marriages are marriages of inconvenience.

Divorce is the Eighth Sacrament.

He buried the hatchet in his neighbor’s back.

Americans no longer converse; we can only interrogate.

All questions are financial.

Florida: the last gasp of the superannuated.

Maine is the only state I know where you have to pay for your meals in advance.

If you speak correct English, many Americans assume you’re gay.

All tax loopholes benefit the rich.

Eating an artichoke is a labor of love.

Warning to marathoners: In the long run, everyone loses.

Success sucks.

The English ‘on holiday’ are holy terrors.

I never met a Welshman who couldn’t or wouldn’t sing.

I oppose capital punishment in principle. On the other hand, our killers impose capial punishment every day.

I caught the clock red-handed stealing time.

In the hospital there are two classes of people: the horizontals and the verticals.

Outliving your enemies is the best revenge.

Eating is a lifelong addiction.

Everyone is a tourist elsewhere.

Predictable as porn.

For most women the erogenous zone is the shopping mall.

There’s something morally corrupt with a country that sends tanks against tents.

You know you’re getting old when you no longer understand the cartoons in the New Yorker.

When she said she’d try anything once, I suggested cyanide.

The purpose of life is life.

Cats: to remind us there’s always a third choice.

The only dog I ever really liked was a Doberman Pinscher.

Trust no one, least of all yourself.

Few politicians are worth their haircuts.

Bailing out banks is like bailing out the Titanic.

What is so rare as a day in June?
A drink on the house in a Scotch saloon.

All history is contemporary. Cosmically speaking, human time counts for less than an eyeblink.

The rich not only want to be rich, they want everyone else to be poor.

Nobody can spell diarreh correctly

The rich are always with us—God help us!

The more you own, the more you’re owned.

Life is a box of bitten-into chocolates.

Warning to cannibals: You are who you eat.

Cogito ergo cogito sum. I think therefore I think I am.

After seventy, it’s all uphill.

Nothing ever has to be done except burial.

Better read than dead.

Your book went unregarded by your friends?
When authorship begins all friendship ends.

Always wear a red shirt when you eat Italian.

Poverty is not a virtue, nor is wealth.

Necessity is the mother of convention.

George Washington was a terrorist once.

Plagiarism is the great American pastime.

Blessed are the greedy, for they shall become CEOs.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s